Friday, May 31, 2013

Starting Life Again

There are many steps to take after a cancer diagnosis, after treatment, and after you are told that cancer is no longer inhabiting your body. Many of these steps are emotional, some are practical and necessary, and others are physical.

You take these steps, mostly because you don't have a choice. It is similar to treatment in a way. For all the times I was called brave and strong, I only thought to myself that I had no other choice, this is the way it is. I have to get through this treatment.

I have kept walking forward in my life, and at times I have sprinted from the past. Other times, I have ended up running in the wrong direction, but you always end up oriented the correct way, for no other reason then you keep trying to find the right direction.

I am taking the biggest step forward right now. It almost feels as if I am stepping backwards into my old life. I am returning to school. I am starting the graduate program that has consumed my mind since even before my diagnosis.

Along with this great leap towards my goals, comes extreme fear and anxiety. Although at times I am nothing but ecstatic about starting my Masters program, I am also haunted by this fear that it is too good to be true. Once things are ripped from you, so suddenly, you realize that you never know anything. You can never be sure. Anything can happen.

Torn between being driven by the pure desire to live, and the fear that things may go wrong, but I have no other option then to keep moving forward.

Just as cancer was an unreal experience, so is beginning my life again. I am hesitant to say it, but the next few years look so happy to me. With planning a wedding and being back in school, my life looks normal and happy.